The Next Big Step

Today I cleaned my house. Not a big accomplishment, you would say — part of home ownership — but for me, it was big. I’m…detatching. I’ve more or less made the decision to move back to Missouri to be a help to my parents, to get to re-know my brothers and my niece and nephews and sister-in-law, and for someone who’s spent the last 16 years thinking her house was the Dream House and the place they’d have to drag her out of when she’s old and decrepit and no longer able to gum her food, this is big for me.

I was going to put granite counters in the kitchen and a farmhouse sink. I was really looking forward to that.

I swabbed every inch of my floor, thinking…there’s only so many more of these sessions, thank God. I scrubbed my toilet, thinking, “I hope the new owner enjoys the fixing-this-thing-every-ten-minutes.” I stared at all the SHIT I have, and wondered how to get rid of the stuff I no longer want, that I didn’t even know I didn’t want until I have to conceivably move it. The trash guys only take so much.

The next big step is finding a house. “You won’t find anything perfect,” a friend assures me. But I want perfect; I’m a big nester. I don’t want to spend my equity and move into a house I halfway hate, halfway love. And I believe that God can provide the perfect house — for me. It doesn’t have to be a house that you, or you, or you, would move into, but it has to be house that I would move to and start a new set of dreams. I could use my friends’ prayers on this.

So now I’m slowly wrapping my brain around that this life in Texas is coming to a close, and believe me, I’ve LOVED Texas. There is no other place that calls to my heart like this…God’s country. It’s a whole other country. The people genuinely believe it’s a sovereign nation, and I’m a believer.

But Missouri has its perks as well. It’s gorgeous - my parents live on a plot of land that IS perfect. It’s green, lush, and humid and warm and full of beautiful skies, fields and flowers. I want to see that more often.

But it’s all up in the air. I’ve debated putting this out in the open, because most people keep this kind of thing under wraps until it’s a done deal. But I need your prayers, friends. I’m scared as hell. To uproot my life and do this thing, like I said…afraid. Scared. Terrified. Every adjective to convey fear that you can think of.