On the Road
There comes a time in every Texan’s life when they have to renew their driver’s license in person. And here I thought Life was going to stop shitting on me in 2020.
The other day I was cordially asked to present myself at Texas Department of Public Safety (public menace that I am) to re-inform the State that I have brown eyes, silver hair (for any future Silver Alerts!), am “ahem” pounds, and that I wish to continue to operate my motor vehicle.
Stories of how long it takes to renew your license in person down here in Dallas are legendary. Mile-deep canyons have been carved out of nothing but water and wind flowing and blowing in less time than it takes to get one’s driver’s license renewed at the DMV. Hours upon hours of waiting in line, legs clenched as one’s bladder fills, blood sugar slowly creeping out of healthy ranges, temper also rising, hope dwindling, only to be sent home to try again the next day. “It’s the Californians moving to Texas and making life miserable,” we say, like we all didn’t immigrate here from other states at some point.
So the trick, we Dallas-ites (Dallas-onians? Dallas-eans?) have learned, is to drive out of town 1-2 hours and renew our licenses at some hayseed seat of a rural county — in my case, Upshur — and clog up their lines.
I ended up in Gilmer, home of the 83rd East Texas Yamboree with all the rabbit-showing, pork-weighing, home canning judging — not to mention Yam Queen coronatin’ — you can handle.
In Dallas, you show up at the DMV an hour before dawn and get in line immediately with all the other poor schlubs out there grinding out a day in Hell. In Gilmer, you stroll up around 11AM, say a cheery hello to the nice farmers in Dekalb seed corn hats, flash your pearly whites for the camera and roll out of there a mere 40 minutes later.
And then you drive 20 minutes down the road to your good friends’ house to spend the evening in front of a bonfire listening to Van Morrison and smoking a nice cigar. Life is good, and I’m cleared to be on the road for another five years.
